My dear Ones,
It has been over a month since my last Sunday’s Song. I also want to take the opportunity of my recent birthday to write a little bit about what’s going on in the inside of things and what’s happening with the continuing gipzy life at age 33.
[Above picture: A rainbow-portal over Knocknagraigue East, Clare, Ireland]
Even a gipzy gets older. No more backpacking, and the wild & crazy 20’s have definitely come to an end by now. I can only say that I am grateful for that time, for all the experiences, often at the edge of physical and psychological limits, all the colors and magical places, all the teachings it gave to me, none of it has been wasted.
As you might have noticed, I decided to make some changes to the outfit of this blog. Over the last year I already felt a big change in my writing and sharing. I am just not having the wild adventures I lived before, and those were easy to share and describe. My whole approach to life and it’s journey itself changed. The outward journey turned inward. It may be a phase where I am not inclined to write as much as before. This may change – but I hope you forgive me that for now I am taking a little breath to see where this blog may lead in future. However, today I am making an exception and I will share a little bit of what’s happening inside me. Whoever does not feel comfortable with this, I will not judge you.
After a full-on travelling and seeking life of now 13 years I can really see and feel the effects – I really found something. It was all worth it. I feel that this part of a traveller’s journey is not expressed too much, you don’t hear from the people whose hearts really reached somewhere. But it is an important part of the journey, it is the whole goal itself. A search must come to and end sooner or later. The urge for freedom has brought me here, after all these years of uncertainties and walking inside the mist, I am slowly peeking into that which I have always been looking for… and I am sorry, but I can not say much about it. I can only say – follow your heart wherever it takes you, follow it into the deepest caves and onto the highest mountains, into the deserts and jungles of this earth, even if it doesnt seem logical or worthy at the time, believe me, that is the one thing I am certain of: your heart knows the way.
This is what I would say to my 20 year-old self if I was given the chance.
Every day you spend following your heart is worth more than years of doing something that is logical, or sensible, but doesn’t come out of love. This is what I have proven for myself in this life. This is the one thing that I know to be true.
However, there is no real truth in the relative aspects of life. So don’t make the mistake and look for it elsewhere, at least not for too long. There is not one tangible thing or concept which can be true forever. Something might seem true for today, or even tomorrow, but no-thing can be true forever. So don’t hold on too tightly to your convictions, to your expectations, nor your personality, or beliefs. None of these are reliable, as they undergo changes every day. But! Don’t think that this means that there is no truth at all. If you really want to find what is in the essence of things – if this is what you are silently searching for, but don’t dare to admit it – then follow it. As Rumi said: “Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love – it will not lead you astray”.
Life, as I see it, is leading us all slowly towards true love. And in the end, truth and love are just the smell of the same flower. In the beginning, they feel like a distant hint of smell that wakes us up and gives us the strength to make the first step on our first journey. It might still be a very outwardly focused journey, all about going to see places, and doing things. But one day you will start seeing that the real journey is an inward one. Always has been, but we were unaware of it. And then the smell becomes stronger, and sweeter, and more and more irresistible. We may feel that we really are looking for something, but can’t quite name it. Then, once we start shoveling the way more and more free of distractions, we start to see clearer, and become more focused. For me, this is a distinctive point where I am at right now. After many years of tasting all kinds of experiences, including different types of drugs, I suddenly am no longer interested even in beer. My body, simultaneously, is not coping with its effects very well anymore. Sometimes, out of habit, I still feel like going out and having a pint, but I now see that these are mere distractions, or outdated habits. All these things are completely falling away, slowly giving way for another kind of experiencing. Another way of seeing life. The attempt to see life not just as I interpret and project it, but as it really is. Because nobody really knows that! Nobody dares to look at it! Nobody teaches us that! It means to look at yourself. It means to really look and try and find what is the essence of who you are, of what we are. It is the last step into freedom. The simple and profound recognition of the essence of the universe. This is the true aim of any honest inward journey.
Or as Dag Hammarskjöld said it:
“The longest journey
Is the journey inwards.
Of him who has chosen his destiny,
Who has started upon his quest
For the source of his being.”
I am not going for less in this life. And if everyone in the world would turn away from me at this point, I would not be disencouraged. And I would still encourage everyone to go for it, even if you only feel the slightest inclination towards it. It all boils down to this.
More I cannot say. Everyone has to find it for themselves. Come into the playground of divinity! :)
Tomorrow I’m off to India. I’ll update you later! Now please enjoy today’s song/piece of art.
(Don’t be strangers, and write me if you feel like. And if you found this post to be too heavy on your mind, don’t despair – light is on it’s way!)
Who am I – I cannot say
You see my seasons
they change from day to day
Poet, priest, assassin, thief
My magic suspends my disbelief.
Who am I — I’m just a pack of lies
I’m a tower of cards,
I’m the yarn of a bard
I’m the jest of a fool
a glittering jewel
I’m just a candy coated castle in the sky…
But this little self is just a daydream of an angel
It’s the shadow of a rainbow
It’s the twinkling and the inkling of a blink
of an all seeing Eye….
Tear down your lying idols
And let your truth spring free…
Stop searching and find,
stop listening and hear,
stop looking and simply see…
Do what thou wilt!
And no other thing!
Wander alone in the crowd and sing…
And fear not the taunts of the man and his masses
cause when disaster comes knocking
it’s us fools who’ll be laughing.
Wer bin ich – ich kann es nicht sagen
Sieh, meine Jahreszeiten
ändern sich von Tag zu Tag
Dichter, Priester, Attentäter, Dieb
Meine Magie unterbricht meinen Unglauben.
Wer bin ich – ich bin nur ein Haufen Lügen
Ich bin ein Haus aus Karten
Ich bin das Garn eines Barden
Ich bin der Scherz eines Narren
Ein glitzerndes Juwel
Ein Luftschloss aus Zuckerwatte.
Aber dieses kleine Selbst ist nur ein Tagtraum eines Engels
Der Schatten eines Regenbogens
Das Funkeln und die Ahnung eines Blinzelns
Eines all-sehenden Auges.
Zerstöre deine Lügenidole
Und lass deine Wahrheit frei …
Hör auf zu suchen und finde,
Hör auf zuzuhören und beginne zu hören,
Hör auf zu schauen und sieh …
Tu was du willst!
Und nichts anderes!
Gehe alleine in die Menge und singe…
Und fürchte nicht den Spott des Mannes und seiner Massen
Denn wenn Desaster kommt
Sind es wir Narren, die lachen.