Right, so I am in Ireland. Now let’s get started.
My last flow of inspiration to write something deep or meaningful seems like a long time ago. I have become somewhat pressured, I suppose, because writing a blog compared to a diary is more writing it for other people, and not really for yourself. I started to deal with expectations that I had in my mind. But there isn’t anything I would necessarily want to say to anyone. I really only want to write what is truly in my heart and mind. But I am holding back because of insecurities- I know if I want to write something good it needs to be something that comes from myself, not a mere what-did-I-do log, but something that wants to be expressed and hopefully finds a ear to listen. One of my greatest inspirers, Mike Foote from Georgia, once wrote in his blog: “You cannot inspire people. People can only be inspired by you”. And it’s true: Only by being yourself, by being honest to yourself and others, by stopping to please people and starting to vibrate your essence (=be who you are in new-age-language), only then other people can be inspired by you.
I think that’s where my biggest problem lies though. I feel like I have been trained all my childhood and school times in germany to do what others want and expect from me, but never really get in touch with what I am, or want, or what I feel like doing or expressing. Maybe I was just really unlucky when it came to school, but it was not only school, it was people, the other kids, sports, music, all that stuff that is supposed to be fun and helping a kid grow healthy, somehow I always felt held prisioner by other people’s expectations. Many people would maybe disagree and say: “but you always do what you want, traveling around and stuff” but it’s not that easy. When I first went out alone into the world, I had nothing to loose. My heart was cold, frozen even. You don’t know what that feels like if you have never felt it. I was simply trying to break free from my mental imprisonment. I know that not everybody in my country has had these experiences, but for me their effects upon me are irreversible and it was them that have driven me out into the world, making me a wanderer, a thinker, a learner, making me better, healthier, and, as this reality catches up on me now, made me homeless. It was only after, that I found out that traveling is really my thing, that it is what I love doing in life, being in nature, being with like minded people, growing spiritually, always being searching.
I know this might sound dramatic to some people, but my life has always been kind of dramatic to me. In younger age I have never been the carefree, light being that many kids are. I think I have always been very sensitive, intuitive, and dwelling in the naturally deep realms of life, whereas social interactions have never come naturally for me. When I watch children play with each other so naturally, lovely scuffling, without thinking, almost as if they were one, I can only admire them, but for me to learn what they’ve learnt, it’s already too late.
No wonder most adult are so different from me. Peope are naturally driven towards each other. I observe people on how they act when they meet, how they get to know each other, how they make collegues. Most of it still goes naturally, without much thinking, you don’t make friends in a day, it needs to come by itself, sometimes by destiny, sometimes just by chance. Most people have their close friends and family members, if not around, then somewhere. Most people don’t ever know how it is to be truly on your own.
I certainly have met inspirational people along my way. There are many people on this planet that are still in my heart for what I have lived with them. I don’t know how my heart chooses certain people to stay in my memories, but make me forget about so many others. Maybe these people have something in common with me: they can establish a deep connection with someone in a very short time. Now who has followed me over the last years might have noticed that I never stayed in one place for more than a few months maybe, but for most places you can count the days on your hands. So short, deep connections are all I have to satisfy the need for deep, meaningful friendships we all share.
But these connections are momentary, and therefore dangerous. If you dive into it with all your being and no backup plan (which “normal” people would never do, as they would let a friendship grow and open up slowly and carefully), you have no control over the consequences. But it’s what you have, it’s what life offers you, and when you live from hand to mouth, you take it.
And they become your family. A bunch of short-lived memories that are worth keeping. Like a collection of treasures maybe. With many of them I am not even in touch, but for most I know they love me back, and even if not, we stil share the memories. And with some of them, love is onesided. Who teaches you how to handle the beautiful feelings and inspirations you recieve from someone that forgets you after a few days? Hopefully I will have figured that out one day. But it’s what you have, really. Normal people built their life in a completely different way. You take the stability as a measurement. Everything that’s not worth your time will naturally be combed out by time. Things or people that are worth it, stay. After some months or years, you know someone well and they become part of your life and reality. Its kind of a building-up-system in a clear space confined by time, ideally at least.
When you travel, your world flips wildly around you. A constant change of space, and time plays a much less important role, especially in the long run. Time is now something that defines the moment. The moment is all you possess when you travel (and there lies a spiritual truth beneath it, but I won’t get into that now.) and now, the moment is measured by depth. So where normal people (sorry for always calling them normal, its just to make a difference) find the depth over time, travelers find the depth in the moment. If you are experienced in psychedelic drugs, you know that there is a tremendous treasure-like hidden depth and beauty in each and every moment. And that’s why a “trip” with drugs and a “trip” into the world are so very similar. You learn so much truth about the moment. But you shall never forget the element of the earth – and we are earth – a lot of important growth only comes over time, and with perseverance, and discipline, and an attitude that never gives up.
When you are traveling, and you encounter problems, it is just so easy to run away from them. Why stay and fight, if you can find the next beach, climb the next mountain, chase the perfect place somewhere behind the horizon? Yes, it is true, when you travel you learn more about yourself and life in a week than in a year in university. At least this is my experience. And I don’t want to waste my time anymore chasing carrer goals that have never been mine, or do jobs just because I think I have to. But there is some deeper meaning in stability and encountering problems while staying at one place, and for me the time has come to face those demons. I have learnt many lessons on the road, they prepared me for many years yet to come, and I have taken with me so many beautiful treasures and memories that I can only feel blessed. But there is one lesson that might be harder than most of the others: staying.
I know, I have taken this decision before, and did not go through with it, but I am having this gnawing feeling inside of me that I somehow have to be able to stay somewhere. Deliberately. Don’t use the first problems I encounter to say “it’s not my place” and go somewhere else in the hope it might be there. Maybe my rationality has won me in this. Maybe I don’t believe anymore in “my place” but rather in my ability to make somewhere my place. It can probably be any. Madagascar, Andorra, Guinea-Bissau or, why not, Ireland. One may be easier, some harder, for most of them it won’t matter much. You can make it anywhere. I think I have come to proove a point, that I have concluded after my 2 year trip: You can be happy anywhere. It’s not the landscape, the weather, the money, the people. It’s just you.
And, just to make it clear, I do not attempt to find a perfect home and stay there until my days are counted. That would be self negating. I just read this quote: “You will never be competely at home again, because a part of your heart will always be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of knowing and loving people in more than one place”. And there’s some truth in it. I will always be a traveler, will never stop myself from travelling as much as my soul needs it. But what I truly believe is, that you should also use the richness of your heart and manifest its magic around you. And so you can bring the whole world to you.
“Before, I wanted to go for whatever makes me happy. Now, I want to be happy, wherever I may go!”
A very beautiful day to you all,