I decided to follow my needs and start writing my blog more in both English and German from now on. As I mentioned lately, I feel very far away from the realities people have in Berlin and the rest of Germany, I feel more connected to other people’s realities that I only started to discover. So I decided to let the inspiration flow freely and be able to speak to a wider range of friends. I will also try to be as honest as possible, as there are so many things I want to share and offer, and I felt some kind of blockage when I try to write about it it german. So for the stream of inspiration to flow freely … I need to remove some of those blocks.

***

3rd of May – I woke up with a stiff neck and a bad mood. Passing noon, i have a feeling that i can’t breathe right. My heart wants to explode. A medium length meditation trying to connect with all this fire in my heart resulted only in finding a lot of anger and frustration and more uncontrollable fire.

Today I feel like a bird in a cage, everybody trying to press their views of things upon me, telling me what to do and how to behave, and in front of my eyes I see my heart exploding and freeing of those chains. How can you live in a big city like this? You want to go out and run, but what you have to do is sit in trams and metros and then you sit in bars or cafes, or parks, drinking coffee so your heart beats even faster struggling for relief.

I meet up with my friend to get some fresh air. We buy ourselves some beer at half past 3 and sit into the middle of a miserable looking park. I mean, it was green and there were benches, but someting was wrong with it. As if the trees were just there because they had to, not because they wanted to.

We talk about the things that are going on around us in Berlin. I point out the fact that Berlin is now a place that is incredibly hyped by people all over the world, but no one ever mentions the dark side of the city that is full of endless parties and drugs. If you would go out every time that there is some special party going on, you would never return home. And that is actually, believe it or not, the motto of some consistent party friends all over town. Rebecca tells the story of a young family that moved to Berlin, the father became a DJ, started taking drugs and having a lot of women. I start mentioning all the stories of failure in this city, all those lost souls. When you look around, they are everywhere. Not to mention the people that died from drugs or depressions related to drug abuse in our close circle of acquaintances.

I mention the golden gate. What’s the golden gate? I used to call it the ‘hell’, but for many friends it seems to be heaven on earth. A dark, small club under a trainline, where you don’t see wheater it’s day or night, the music goes on and on, the drugs do too. (oh, I am not talking about weed…) A very subjective statistic of mine is: If you ask 10 people about drugs in golden gate, 9 of them know people with drugs, 7 of them have, and 3 of them will sell some to you. And the one person might just be lying to you because he doesnt want to share.

Maybe you think now about a really fucked up circle of friends in some hopeless ghetto area of Berlin. That’s why I want to mention: This is normal. Most of the party people in Berlin have been in golden gate at least once.

On my way back, I feel the drowsyness of the beer in my eyes, I sit on the train to Pankow. Right on the other seat there sits a friend of a friend, but we doesnt see me. Maybe he doesnt even know who I am. I look out the window and memories are flashing in front of my eyes as I see places behind the walls, places where I partied, mostly, where I would usually go alone, make ‘friends’ in the line while I drink my beer, enter the void, leave the void again. What happened inside? I have two or three pictures or how more or less it looked, or who I met. But what else?

I get off at Schönhauser Allee. They say, this is Hipster Town now. But this is all just a game. The ones yelling loudest against hipsters are not much better. In fact, Berliners love to yell, hate, discriminate, disrespect and complain about everything and everyone. Of course I see hipsters. But they don’t even bother me that much, because being hipster is almost like acknowledging to be a mass product. I see so much fake around me. I see this guy with pink sunglasses. He is a fake, I catch myself thinking. He’s not himself. But maybe it’s just me, seeing him, remebering myself spending years and years pushing away the truth that I will never be at home in Berlin.

At the Cable car station I see a girl singing for money. She lights up a bit my mood, I try to think that not everything is bad in Berlin and that I am having a very negative looking glass right now. But what really keeps me going in the end is, when I try to see the big picture. I have only another week in Berlin, and then I will be in the south of Europe.

I enter my dad’s Volkswagen Westfalia Bus that I am living in right now. It feels better to me than living in a house. I lay down and sigh, trying to calm down. I remember a saying that I read lately: “Two things define you: Your patience when you have nothing, and your attitude when you have everything.” Sometimes I forget that I just need to be patient.

5th of May * I spent a weekend in Hamburg. It was legendary. I couchsurfed at a great person’s place called Sven whom I went out with both evenings. Saturday was a special day without me knowing it. When I arrived, there was a street party down the house of my couchsurfing host’s appartment that only happens once a year. It was also ‘Kirchentag’, so it means the Reeperbahn was not only full with drunk bachelors and prostitutes, but also christians.  In all over town they sell a shot called “Mexikaner”, which consists of tomato juice, chili, pepper and some hard alcohol like vodka. No bartender there ever heard of Micheladas before, a very typical mexican beer drink. I convinced many sceptical Hamburgers to make Micheladas for us using using their Mexikaner inside the Astra beer. It was amazing. A few of them and the night became a real blast!

Reeperbahn

People were generally really friendly and beautiful, there was no way of not falling in love with the city. Thank you mom for this beautiful gift!

7th of May * On the way back, the carsharing dude dropped us off at the station “Alt Tegel” which means I had to transfer at “Seestraße” station. Seestraße is the deepest Wedding, one of the most dirty and hopeless neighborhoods of Berlin, where I used to live before I left. Its not beauty what you see there, people smell like alcohol and sweat, cough in your face, spit everywhere, the streets are dirty, young turkish-german guys show their power and use a language that makes you wanna vomit. What a contrast! And suddenly the scales fell from my eyes. I have been living a constant life of struggle most of the time I was living in Berlin. I cannot say if this struggle was necessary, at least it had been eight years, or if the city has had any beneficial effects on me up to now. I know there were times when I had fun. But what the city is now provoking inside my brain and heart is nearly undescribable. I know that none of my friends would understand entirely, even though they do partially. I almost feel guilty to push all the fault to the city- I dont think it was her intention. It is more the deal that I had with her. Berlin and me have had an endless fight. And now I suddenly understood that I already lost the fight long time ago. I need to give up and stop struggling. Life has offered me a tremendous amount of possibilities to create endless beauty in the world. And now it made me understand that my life in Berlin is now a closed circle.

When I look back, my life has changed crazily over the last three years. Three years ago I decided to quit university and do what my heart has been telling me for a long time. I remember where I sat, in a flat in Barcelona, and my thoughts went: “What the hell am I doing here?” The decision to follow my heart is one I never regretted, not for one single day.

Paulo Coelho wrote in his book ‘The Alchimist’: “making a decision was only the beginning of things. When someone makes a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision.”

Now it’s time for sailing off with my new pirate ship :) Ahoiii

Pirate Ship

One thought on “But this is all just a game.

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